Everybody Loves a Quickie.

I love cooking. You know this. The kitchen is the one place where my creativity and my OCD can have their naughty little way with each other. But after a day like today, a day when I had to pretend to be smart in front of really smart people for hours on end, my culinary subpersonalities are simply not in the mood. Give me one of those housewifey "Delicious Dinners in 30 minutes!" or give me a cocktail and a take-out menu.

So far I've had difficulty amassing veggie recipes of this ilk, what with all the chopping and mincing and grating and dicing (and carpal tunnel). So I thought I'd share a few that work for me, including one I INVENTED TONIGHT. That's right people, straight from the Magic Chef to your web browser.



If you've dined at Ugly Betty frequently over the past few months, you've been served this first one so many times that, like HCB, you are secretly hoping for me to rediscover the swine. Here's the good news: now that you have the recipe, you can feel free to add bacon.

Path of Least Resistance Stuffed Peppers



4 red, green, orange, purple or yellow bell peppers, halved and seeded
1 cup dry quinoa
2 cups chicken stock or chicken bouillon cubes (to taste)
1-2 leeks, chopped, white parts only
1/2 (approx) small red cabbage, thinly sliced
a handful of mushrooms, halved and sliced
1 package Halloumi cheese
any other veggies you desire: broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, fresh corn etc etc
Olive oil, salt and pepper
a couple tablespoons of chopped Italian parsley

Preheat the oven to 400. Place the peppers on a cookie sheet or baking pan and sprinkle generously with salt, pepper and olive oil. Roast until softish and starting to char on the edges, about 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, bring 2 cups water to a boil, add chicken bouillon, and then add the cup of quinoa. Cook uncovered on med-high heat until all the water has dissolved. Take off heat and let sit covered until you need it.

Meanwhile meanwhile, heat a couple tablespoons of olive oil in a large saute pan over medium-high heat. Add the leeks and cook until soft but not browned. If they start to brown, turn down the heat. Add mushrooms and optional veggies. Saute for a few minutes until slightly softened. Add the cabbage. Keep on sautéein'. Add the halloumi. Stir for a few minutes until the cheese is warm to the touch (extra points if it has begun to soften). Add the cooked quinoa. Add the parsley. Stir. Salt and pepper to taste.

Remove the peppers from the oven. Stuff each generously with the veggie mixture. Put them back in the oven at 400 or 425 until browned on top, about 15-20 minutes.


And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for...


If You Season It, They Will Eat Them Tacos

One package Lightlife Smart Ground(R) taco-flavored veggie protein crumbles
...

OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Stop being such a pansy. Sure, nobody wants to eat this:



But what about this?



That's what I thought. Now then, what was I saying?

FILLING
1 12 oz package Lightlife Smart Ground(R) taco-flavored veggie protein crumbles
1 small onion, diced
1 jalapeno, minced
3-4 large garlic cloves minced
olive oil
ground cumin to taste
salt to taste
cayenne to taste

Heat approx 1 tbsp of olive oil in a 10-inch pan over medium-high heat. Sauté onions, jalapenos and garlic until glassy/soft. Add weird fake taco meat; sauté until heated through. Add remaining ingredients to taste. Note: you may need to add more oil as you go - I found that the "protein crumbles" tended to stick to the pan.

LIME SOUR CREAM
1 cup fresh sour cream
fine zest of one lime
juice of one small lime (approx 2 tbsp)
1/4 tsp kosher salt
1/4 tsp ground cumin

Stir ingredients together; die in ecstasy. Seriously, don't omit this part. It is The Secret Sauce.

WRAPPING
1 package small corn tortillas, warmed
1 ripe avocado
1 small red cabbage, halved and sliced thinly
grated Monterrey Jack cheese
fresh salsa

Assemble tacos in the manner befitting your stature. You will not be sorry.

Scene From the Dinner Table

INT. UGLY BETTY - NIGHT

An apron-clad NATALIE buzzes happily around the kitchen, humming the tune to Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" as she sets the table, refolds the napkins and pours the wine.

A key CLICKS in the lock of the front door. NATALIE smiles to herself.

A few minutes later, HCB shuffles into the kitchen. They kiss.

NATALIE
(brightly)
Hey! How was work?

HCB
(heavily)
Fine. Same old same old. How are you?

NATALIE
Great! I've got a culinary surprise for you tonight.

A flicker of fear registers in HCB's eyes.

HCB
(disgruntled)
Oh my god what is it this time? Unidentifiable Fake Protein with a side of tubers?

NATALIE
(undeterred)
Close! Baked tofu with roasted veggies, brown rice and avocado.

HCB
(sighs loudly, sets jaw)
Okay, let's just get one thing straight here: I'm willing to accept this new vegetarian obsession of yours, but I. WILL. NOT. EAT. TOFU. I hate tofu. It's rubbery, its unappetizing, and it has no taste of its own. I'll choke down tonight's concoction, but after that, forget about it.

NATALIE
(still undeterred, smiling)
Roger that, Grumpy Pants! I don't know though, this may surprise you. The marinade is delicious.

HCB
(still disgruntled)
I doubt it. Remember how delicious pork is? Remember how you used to pride yourself on getting three different pork products into the same menu? What happened to that woman?

Pause. NATALIE turns to him, wide-eyed, innocent, and starts dancing to the soundtrack playing in her head.

HCB
(resigned to his fate)
Thanks, anyway, for making dinner.

NATALIE
(humming Rod)
My pleasure!

NATALIE plates the dinner and serves. As eating commences, silence falls.

NATALIE
Dude, this is the height of deliciosity! I even forgot it was tofu!

HCB
(slowly, between ever larger mouthfuls)
It's...not...so...bad.

More eating, more silence. HCB's plate empties quickly.

HCB
(chewing)
I...guess...I would...eat that again.

NATALIE
(commencing internal victory dance)
Good to know. I'll add it to the recipetoire.


Rene Rosso's Radically Superior, HCB-Approved Sesame-Soy Baked Tofu
1 brick super firm tofu
2+ tbsp sesame oil
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
Lemon juice to taste (roughly one lemon's worth)

Unwrap the tofu, put it on a plate large side down, place another plate on top, and then weigh it down with something heavy (like a bag of flour). Let it sit for roughly 30 minutes. Pour off the excess liquid. Cut tofu into slices.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Arrange tofu in a single layer in small Pyrex or similar baking dish. Pour remaining ingredients over tofu. Liquid should cover tofu a tiny ways up the sides, but will not be submerged. Turn to coat. Bake for 45 minutes.

Serve with short grain brown rice (I cheat and make mine with chicken bouillon for added flavor), roasted veggies and copious amounts of avocado.

Deck the Halls with Vital Wheat Gluten

I hope the eight of you enjoyed festive holidays with your loved ones. We had a nice enough time in San Diego, unless you count the fact that my mom's new puppy launched a full frontal attack on me including strategically placed turd piles, vomit blobs on seating arrangements, lack of bladder control in my lap, and possibly even the triggering of my immune system with her dander. Either that or I got a nasty virus. Regardless, it succeeded in sending me to bed mere minutes before our Feliz Navidad Surf and Turf Fiesta was served. Which is to say, I missed Christmas Dinner.

But I still managed to have a little fun. Prior to the onslaught of my disease, my loving and adventurous family agreed to become guinea pigs for an all vegetarian Christmas Eve dinner. This time I stayed far, far away from Vegetarian Times, instead taking the advice of my friend Rema's friend Jen who swears by The Post Punk Kitchen blog. I actually already own Vegan with a Vengeance and have long been a fan of Isa Chandra Moskowitz's Faustess Cupcakes, but I had mostly shied away from her savory dishes. That is, until the Night Before Christmas.

The menu:
Chickpea Cutlet Parmesan
and
Mama HCB's Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Butter Sauce.

(No, they don't really go together, but I knew the ravioli were safe while the chickpea cutlets were a big gamble. And if you're wondering how Parmesan is vegan, it's not. The addition of cheese and homemade tomato sauce was mine.)

At first, not even Grandma was stirring...



But once everybody dug in, they couldn't stop raving about the chickpea cutlets. My parents even had seconds! A new addition the Vegetarian Recipetoire. Owww!!

Oh, and as far as the giving was concerned, everybody LOVED not doing it. We kept saying how relaxed we all were - no trash, no clutter, and no unwanted crap to store guiltily or shunt to the GoodWill. We're doing it again next year. All told, a Christmas to remember - and replicate.


Mama HCB's Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Butter Sauce

1 small butternut squash
Olive oil
1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan Cheese
1 tbsp rosemary leaves, finely chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Pinch of ground nutmeg
1 egg white
1 double package wonton wrappers
1/2 cup butter
36 fresh sage leaves

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2. Cut the squash in half, remove the seeds and then cut into wedges/disks, leaving the skin on. Place the squash in a lightly oiled roasting pan. Roast for 1 to 1 1/4 hours, or until squash is soft. Remove from the oven and leave the squash to cool.

3. Discard the skin. Pass the squash through a food mill or puree in a food processor. You need 1 cup of pureed squash.

4. Add the cheese and rosemary to the squash and season with the salt, pepper and nutmeg.

5. Whisk the egg white with 1 tsp of water. Place one wonton wrapper on the counter and top with approx 2 tsp of the squash mixture. Brush the edges of the wonton wrapper with egg white, then top with a second wrapper. Press to seal well. If desired, trim edges with a fluted pastry wheel (not even I do this). Repeat with the remaining wrappers. Place the ravioli in a single layer on towel-lined baking sheets, and cover with another towel.

6. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil and drop in a small batch of ravioli. Cook until the ravioli float and become transparent, about 3 minutes. Drain well. Repeat.

7. Meanwhile, saute butter and sage leaves in large pan over medium-high heat. As each batch of ravioli is cooked and drained, add them to the pan. Flip each ravioli to coat with butter. Serve on warmed plates with a few sage leaves.

I'll show you something else that's SCARY.

This was our dinner last night:



It's supposed to be Jamaican Vegetable Patties, and it's supposed to look like this:


I gathered from its name that it was also supposed to be spicy and Jamaican and, well, edible, but HCB summed it up rather succinctly when he asked, "Why are we eating peas and carrots for dinner? And why do they taste so disgusting?"

Poor man. This meal was preceded the night before by "Tempeh Triangles with Piccata Sauce," which he described as "breaded wood chips soaked in lemon juice." He dutifully ate platefuls of both, with only minimal Squishy Face.

I've been dabbling with vegetarianism for a while now, 'cause it's true that eating beef - and virtually all industrially raised animals - is really bad for the planet.



I've amassed a small but useful arsenal of veggie dinner options, including: vegggie tofu green curry, conchigle rigate with tomatoes and chick peas, and my quickest fix, quinoa-stuffed peppers. But seeing as how I can't imagine us eating curries and pasta and rice dishes for the rest of our lives, I was looking for something more meat-like, more versatile, more...square-mealish.

And so I turned to Vegetarian Times. Apparently this was the best they could do. As I masochistically masticated my peas and carrots last night, I actually shed a tear for kids who grow up this way. You know, not knowing that food can be delicious. I also shed a tear for the pain in my wrist and elbow from all the god damn chopping, mincing, slicing and peeling.

Alas, I haven't given up yet. If you have beloved veggie recipes that don't take two hours and 47 ingredients to prepare, please, I beg you, SHARE THEM.